Today in my little isolated world, I experienced little glimpses of healing, closure, pain, joy, hope, closeness, truth, and blessing.
As I sit here attempting to fix a paper due tomorrow and listening to worship music I cant help but be distracted. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to shout to God the gratefulness I have for his blessings and grace in my life.
I went today and spoke with my most recent ex. It was not a situation I wished upon myself but it is one that I knew was completely necessary for closure, peace, and forgiveness. I am not the type of person who likes to leave things unfinished, and after 3 months of not speaking, I felt it was time enough for us to process our thoughts and emotions from the relationship and to speak about what we never talked about. I walked in with my speech prepared and didn't use hardly any....thats to be expected with me though, because if I truly let God speak like I feel he did today, then what I have to say is no where near as good as what He, the Lord of the Universe, has to say.
It was a time of healing because I told him how I needed forgiveness for my faults in our relationship. I heard his heart and saw changes in him I had been praying for, for well over a year now. It was a beautiful thing for two broken people to come, talk, and share their faults with one another, to apologize for hurt caused, to forgive each other honestly, and to speak of the Grace of God in a way that we had never spoken of before. We are different people than who we were when we were together. For the most part I would say that it is a beautiful change in both of us. More of figuring out who we are and letting God mold us into the man and woman God has created and planned for us to be. We are both whole people who desire to seek the Lord and understand that we are not what God has planned for the other.
I saw a friend in my ex today. I saw a man who is growing and changing and is a drastically different person than a few months ago. I am so excited for what is to come in his life and the changes that will continue to happen in him. I am glad for closure, full peace, and a new chance to see who God is making him and I.
I want to sing because I know that singing is just a little part of how I worship my Lord and Savior. I feel so much better, as if the pain and brokenness I had been feeling the past few months melted away in a few hours. I am not saying that I am healed of all brokenness, I realize things like that take time, but today was a HUGE step towards me returning to myself, the bubbly, brutally honest, wears her heart on her sleeve, emotional girl who lives passionately.
I suppose I am learning to balance myself out. I am learning the difference between too emotional and being too closed off.
I am remembering the beauty of songs and how they move my soul to worship the Lord for ALL He has done.
I am craving to dance like King David danced, loving my Lord and Savior with complete abandon not worried if I am undignified in anyones eyes.
I am learning to be grateful, to be gracious, to be passionate.
Thank you Lord for telling me that I am on my way back home, thank you for bringing my heart back to a place where I can feel again, where I can be vulnerable, where I can be honest, and where I can show the world all that you alone have done to heal me.
Love always,
Kristina Janette
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