Amazing how things can totally cause you to freak out. I am sitting in my room right now, avoiding hanging out with some of my closest friends because i cant seem to get into the right mindset to hang out with them. I feel as if i go over to their house, then i will only bring sadness and a poor attitude which is not fair to anyone. Sometimes i swear that i am all by myself. In a room of 30 people, most of which i know quite well, i can feel totally and utterly alone. Sometimes i feel as if not a person in the world can understand my emotions or what i am feeling. I sit wondering if i am all alone in this world. When is God going to answer my deepest desires? When will i stop focusing on the random and stupid things of life and finally truly only look to Him for comfort? When will i stop being so darn selfish and worry more about others? What walls do i keep up from the world and how in the world to i break them down? I have had Ginny Owens song "If you want me to" stuck in my head all day, wishing i could find the meaning that God has in it for me...I want to enjoy every moment and have complete joy but i have no way of hiding the things that tear me apart. I want to have my deepest desires met, and like a wise friend told me last night, "sometimes we are just crawling around in the darkness but God wont let us crawl around alone forever". How true i know that is. How true the God loves me, that he wants to answer my deepest desires, to comfort me, but it is all in his timing, in his ways, and quite honestly i am the least patient person on the entire planet.
I hate how one person in my life can dictate my mood for the rest of a day or the week. One person should NEVER have that much influence on my emotions...but they do. The problem is i look to them to answer that deep longing i have, and they cant fill it. I look to them and when they cant provide what i am looking for i just crumble apart. Who knew life could be so difficult. I want to go to the party now, to enjoy friendships that i have been abundantly blessed with....but i dont know if i am ready....I am just praying that in this time of feeling so lost and alone that God will speak his truth to me.
"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, and i don't know the reason why you brought me here. But just because you love me the way that you do, i am gonna walk through the valley if you want me to"
"Cuz i am not who i was when i took my first step, and im clinging to the promise your not through with me yet, so if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then i will go through the fire if you want me to"
"It may not be the way, i would have chosen, when you lead me through a world thats not my home, but you never said it would be easy, you only said i'd never go alone."
"so when the whole world turns against me and im all by myself and i cant hear you answer my cries for help, i will the remember the suffering your love put you though and i will go through the valley if you want me to"
Lord please teach me to be patient, to wait for the things you have for me, to give me hope and to only look to you to fill my every aching need. No one else will ever be able to fill this hole, so help me to stop looking. Please take away any unpure thoughts that are not of you, fill me with your spirit and your comforting arms of love.
Love always,
kristina seat
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