Brokenness eats away at me

Brokenness eats away at you like a cancer to your heart. Its not meant to not be dealt with, its not meant to just sit dormant, under the surface without any harm or growth. When you are broken, it doesn't simply stay the same. 
You have two options with brokenness, let it eat away at you like a cancer to your heart and soul, let it grow until its too far out of control that there is no outcome but death, or find it early and take the painful treatment that will cause it to go away. Sometimes cancer comes back, but if caught early you can be rid of it forever. 
I have been letting my brokenness in my life dictate who I am becoming. The essence of who I am is a girl that loves the Lord, who cares deeply about others, is incredibly emotional, and always wears her heart on her sleeve. I have been hiding behind my "stained glass masquerade" for far too long. I didn't realize that only a few months of hiding behind the mask I felt I needed to wear could change everything and wreak havoc on my heart and soul. 
I was kidding myself into believing that my last relationship ending didn't hurt. I felt like it was easier to just blame it all on him and then nothing would be my fault and I could just stay angry or numb and it would all just go away. The numbness and anger is fading now, but I am realizing that there is a lot of unresolved problems that I let simmer under the surface. 
I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like that when my best friends asked me why I was upset I could simply look them in the eyes and tell them nothing. I used to be the person in every relationship who would bear my heart first so that everyone else felt comfortable to do so, I brought out the vulnerability first because I had learned that that is the only way to a persons heart. Instead over the past few months I have been building unnecessary walls around my heart, fearful that if someone got too close I would have to explain that I really did love him, that I was really hurt that he and I left so much unsettled. I didn't want to explain that I needed to apologize to him as much, if not more, than I needed him to apologize to me. I wanted to think that staying angry and putting up walls and becoming an amazing actress again would fix all my problems. 
Last night, I finally saw what saying exactly on my mind felt like again. I got to remember that holding back didn't accomplish anything but confusion and more brokenness. I got to see that people still care about me even when I don't let them in. I had been terrified to let anyone see that there was too much for me to handle, that all I really needed was some help that I was too scared to ask for. I put a smile on my face and told everyone I was fine, when that was the very last thing I was. I needed to cry in the shower, and up against the wall, and on my knees, but I couldn't. The tears stopped coming for the first time since early high school. I shut myself off from God because I wanted to make myself whole rather than letting Him make me whole again. 

What I need is to forgive. To be forgiven. To let people in rather than shutting them out. To let my heart be known and to finally deal with the brokenness that I was letting eat away at me rather than get better. Sometimes I suppose we need to learn the hard way. I'm not sure how I got on this journey or how I thought resorting back to who I was in early high school would solve my problems, but I am going to stop playing in this stained glass masquerade. I am going to let people see my heart transparently without fear of getting hurt, because at the essence of who I am, that is me. A fully open person who longs for people to know her closely and without bars and doors and walls keeping everyone from her.