Tossing and turning all night long, searching for answers to questions and worrying needlessly over things that are not even in my hands. I forget constantly to, as my friend says, "let go and let God." Sometimes it drives me crazy how people use the christian cliche's all the time, and then I realize I am guilty of the same offense. My heart is lost in confusion, my emotions are haywire, and I still feel as if I am crawling around in the dark searching for any hope to hold onto.
Its crazy to grow up in a Christian family, to know all the right answers and exactly what the bible says, and even with knowing it, your heart still doubts it. There is no faith without doubt, but why doubt the obvious. Yes, of course I know God is there, Yes I know he has my best interests at heart, Yes he wants to fill my deepest desires, Yes he loves me unconditionally no matter how terribly I screw up.
Why do I have such a lack of faith? Why do I constantly look to other places to fill the gaping holes in my heart? Why can I struggle with the same questions over and over again over the course of years? I swear, just as I think God has answered my questions or I have figured it out, the same problems and questions creep right back into my mind! Its infuriating. Why does God allow unspeakable pain? Why do memories of the past have to constantly haunt me? (not that they are terribly bad or disturbing memories, but ones that simply bring sadness) Why do things have to change? Why do I loose faith in God answering my questions and deepest desires? He IS capable! He can do all!
As i finished redeeming love this morning, I realized my lack of patience AGAIN! Not only that, but I realized as well that I am still just like Hosea's wife, constantly running away, and eventually I will find comfort in the only one who can bring it, my Savior, Jesus. He is the only one to bring comfort, true joy, true contentment (in any and every situation. Its terrible to be in these poor moods but I suppose its better than putting on a mask to play the part of the happy and careless person. I cant stand hiding my emotions, if you know me even a little bit or have known me longer than a couple days, normally you can easily see that I am the person who wears her heart on her sleeve, you wont find me pretending, and if I do, you need only to look at my eyes and they quickly tell the whole story.
Things eat away at me for no reason. I need to let God take care of all my insecurities, all my worries, all my pain, and let Him answer my questions rather than trying to answer them myself. Its pointless to search for answers on my own, ill be left on my knees crying out for help (but hey humility is something nice to get out of it I suppose).
So here I am Lord, calling out your name, asking for you to please, draw me into your arms, give me the comfort I need. Allow me to enjoy friendships, allow me to be patient with the things I desire most. Allow me to care less about myself and more about others. Allow me to not wallow in my own self-pity and instead look to help others. I don't want to be trapped in this muck and mire of my hurt. I want to be free, and the only freedom is in your name Jesus. Please help me to cling to you like you cling to me, help me to stop running away and instead running into your open arms of LOVE. Love is what this world needs. Help me to see the world in a whole new light, to see your love in a whole new light. "Less of me and more and more of you" I want to drop all my worries at your door! I want to let you bear my burdens because I have carried them far too long.
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