Psalm 139

"Oh Lord, you have searched me

and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in-- behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me 

and the lights become night around me,'

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place. 

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be. 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name. 

Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,

and abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 139:1-24

There are many things I need to learn, one is simply trusting in the Lord, remembering that He knows me and that He is the one who knit me together. 

Sometimes I fall into the trap of being upset about something and getting caught in this cycle of being upset even though I know that I need to get over it. I am so ready to be done with my sin and to be living every moment for my Savior. 

Some days are rough, sometimes you even have rough months...I am just trying to find my way out of a 4 month crazy season...I have felt so far from the Lord lately...and I can't begin to say how thankful I am for yesterday and the amazing talks I had with some of the women here at work.

I now work for Canyon Creek Church, my home church that I grew up in. I have amazing women that I can look up to and hear their wisdom, all while feeling comfortable to share my own experiences. I am not afraid to be broken or to be honest with who I am and how I feel. Its been an amazing time of learning and growing...but I am ready to abide in the Lord and draw so near to Him. I am ready to not have my emotions get the best of me and allow that to be my 'exuse' to sin. 

I love this passage in Psalms because it is a beautiful reflection of the God who knows me and an acknowledgement that I know him, trust him, and want him near me. 

Please God, search me and know my anxious thoughts, calm me, comfort me, and draw me near. Please let me know the offensive ways I have and lead me in your ways everlasting! 

--Kristina Janette 

Light Shining in the Darkness

All throughout scripture there is this great contrast between the light and the dark.

Even in the first chapter of Genesis there is God, using the light and the dark to display an image.

Genesis 1:3-4 "And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. God saw that light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness." 

God created the light and dark, he also used the light from a fire to guide His people in the book of Exodus. 

Later in the new testament there are two passages that always come to mind when I think of Light and Dark.

John 1:1-5 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." 

Matthew 5:14-16 "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven" 

A few days ago, as I was driving home from San Francisco with Jon, I began looking out the window and noticing all the stars in the sky and then gazing upon the skyline of the city, all lit up with bright lights with the dark night sky as its great contrast. 

I noticed something in those moments, something beautiful. I am captivated by light. Whether it be the little specs of light in the night sky signifying a great expanse of beauty far beyond the Earth, or the city lights that emanate from the buildings all around the city of San Francisco. 

Have you ever noticed that we are generally as human creatures absolutely amazed when we gaze upon a lovely Sunrise? A beautiful sunrise will catch your breath. It's the amazing blending of all sorts of colors you rarely see taking over the darkness that came before. There is a beauty in standing before a wonderful sunrise that can leave you amazed. Sunsets are just as brilliant and often bring even more of the color spectrum catching your eye as the colors dance all over the slowly fading sky. When watching a truly beautiful sunset you always stand there wishing the sun would never really go down, and that the sky could stay those awe-striking colors forever. 

It's all about this contrast, this beauty of light on a dark background. 

What finally occurred to me is that if I find the sunrises, sunsets, simple specs in the sky, and city lights tp be so captivating, than wouldn't it be for God as well?

What I mean by that is, that we were made to appreciate beauty, we were created to appreciate Him. His creation is just a glimpse of Him who created it. If I find a light in the contrast to darkness so beautiful, I would imagine that means that he finds it equally, if not more beautiful than I do. I am made in His image and hardwired to appreciate His beauty. I can't help but believe that he intended us to appreciate these lights in darkness.

What strikes me even more is that Jesus was The Light. When God the father looked down on all humanity and saw Jesus, He was the light! God had to have looked down and seen all the darkness that this world offers with its sin and idolatry and simply found rest and beauty in His Son, The Light.

What's even more amazing is that we are called to be light as well. Lights to the world. Lights in the darkness. A city on a hill. We get this beautiful blessing of not only admiring the Light that God created and made beautiful for us, but created us to be that beautiful light for the rest of the world to see and in turn worship Him!

This world is filled in what sometimes feels like an unending darkness, but I can find rest in the light, in Jesus, in the gentle reminders of light in the darkness all around me. I can be humbled in remembering that God chooses to use a willing heart to submit to Him and spread His light to the nations. 

Millions of Moments

My life is made up of millions of moments.


Too often I take those little moments for granted.


Today I sat in my car and found myself singing songs of praise. None of these songs were ones that people had heard before. Instead they were just the simple outcry of my heart to my Savior.


God has heard me before and He heard me today.


I have been suffering from unknown pain and discomfort throughout my body for the past few days and although I would love an answer, a name to go with the pain, I realize I'm not sure I ever will.


I have this notion in my mind that I need to be tough, seem strong and not let anyone know that the pain fazes me. The truth is, the pain is a bit miserable and no matter how strong and tough I try to be, I am not able to withstand any of it without God who is my source of strength.


Many of these last few days I have wanted to sit and cry, let myself lie in bed all day hoping it would all be over soon. I refuse though, to let myself ever let the words "this isn't fair" cross my mind or lips.
I know that there are plenty of things in life that are going to happen, some of which may even seem unfair. Christ says I will suffer for His namesake. What Christ suffered wasn't fair, what I suffer is something that God allows to happen in my life to bring me closer to Him. I don't understand why I have this pain or why it won't simply go away. But I do know that God is Good, that He loves me, that He takes care of me, and that He knows why I have this pain.


It's not my place to blame God, because if I truly believe that He has my best interests at heart and that He cares for me, then why would I ever say "it's not fair". I am not the fair judge or supreme keeper of the Universe so I will humbly lay down my desire to have an answer and simply ask, "What do you want me to learn from all of this?"


My goal in this trial and season of my life is to focus on Him. To find my peace and strength in Him, especially when I acknowledge that I have NONE of my own. I want to ask what I can learn, and quiet myself enough to hear His still, small voice. I want to not complain but rather have unending joy flowing out of me. I desire to demonstrate the fruits of the spirit constantly through this trial, knowing that the only way they can flow from me is when I am connected to Him. He will produce those fruits inside of me. I don't want to snap at others or try and use my pain as an excuse for bad behavior, but rather show God's great power in my weakness as I lean on Him for my strength.


I want to spend my millions of moments in this life not taking them for granted, but rather using them to sing random songs of praise to my wonderful Savior. Those are moments well spent. 

To A High School Girl

Beautiful girl,

Don't worry about what those around you think.
It's not about what they think when you lift your hands to sing,
or even if you have the 'right' answers to the questions.

You need to be confident in who you are.
Believe that you are a beautiful,
that God has made you wonderful. 

Those around you have their own problems,
they just want to see the genuine you.

Its okay to cry and be vulnerable with those around you.
Its okay to not have it all together,
thats part of the beauty of being a Christian.

He will heal your brokenness
He will love you no matter how hurt you feel.
He won't love you any less for your past, let Him comfort you. 

Beautiful girl, love the Lord with all your heart.

All of Me

Today I have found that more than any other time in my life, I am CRAVING God. I don't want to live this life the same way I have been but I don't know where to start.

I am realizing more and more everyday that the Jesus that I chose to follow as a child is very different from the Jesus that comes alive in the Gospel. I can't handle just living in normal American contentment. I feel as if something is missing, even as a Christ follower and feel as if simply 'accepting' Christ has not been enough.

Recently there has been a fire ignited in my heart and I have no clue what to do about it. I HUNGER for His word, I desire to read scripture and theologians like never before. I read Diedrich Bonhoeffer and I read about The Cost of Discipleship and I realize that following Christ is so much more than simply praying a prayer and going to church.

I don't want to be deceived by this world and think that I am saved when I am morphing Jesus to be what I want him to be rather than what He is. Yes he says "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" Matthew 11:30, but Jesus said to the rich young man in Matthew 19:21, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”


I think I get so lost in this world, contented to remind myself that Jesus loves me and that I am already forgiven, and that I am forgiven that I find that to be enough. I don't embrace the love that calls me to ACTION. The God of the UNIVERSE came to this earth, came after me, and bids me to come and die. To take up a cross, an instrument of torture as David Platt so aptly describes in his book Radical, and to follow him! 


I want to be ready to do ANYTHING that God calls me to. To love him so passionately that it calls me to action. It calls me to neglect everything I have, every comfort, and to follow. I want to go.


The song I Will Go by Starfield brings me to tears almost every time because it calls me to be willing to go, to go to the poor and needy of this world. What am I doing!? Why am I not doing this more!? Why am I so tempted by comfort that I remain stagnate?! Isn't the love I have for God so deep that it calls me to run with complete abandon into His arms and do WHATEVER he asks of me?! I WANT THIS! 


I am so caught in my fears, in my failure, in my belief that giving it all up would be too scary, and that there would be no one to take care of me. But I'm missing it, HE will take care of me. I don't need to worry, but yet I do. I don't know where God is calling me. 


I was sitting in my car earlier today and thinking how much easier it would be if Jesus simply walked up to me today and said, "Come follow me Kristina, I want to take you to spread the good news with me, Come". I want a physical Jesus to beckon me. I want him standing there because I can run into His arms when I get scared. But the thing is, He is calling me, just because he isn't standing right there doesn't mean he isn't calling me. HE IS! 


I want to go, I have no idea where. I don't want to live comfortably or simply content to live the average American life believing that I don't need him. I DO NEED HIM! I need him more than I need the next breath coming into my body. I need him more than the water I am craving in this moment. I need him because I can't fathom an eternity without him. I want to tell the world that they need him like that.


I get when he says he is the living water. I need him like everything I am depends on it. 


I am going crazy in this moment feeling completely unsure of where to start. But as I get on my knees and pray for His guidance, I just pray that he moves me from complacency and takes me and uses me for His purposes. I pray that I will be willing to LET GO of EVERYTHING and SURRENDER to the ONE who deserves it. 

Pride

It's a bit nieve to believe that I don't struggle with Pride...I'd like to think that I have the issue of pride under control...until of course it rears its ugly head out into the light...and I can't help but pay attention to it.

My whole life I have always been the girl who wants to be "out on her own", trying so hard to prove I can do it without anyones help. I was the girl who would have been gladly emancipated at 15 while her family moved to Arizona without her, and would have been equally as glad to spend her freshman year of college in Southern California...or really rather anywhere that wasn't Danville.

God always seems to know what I struggle with and how to get me to see what I need to change.

The blessing of a best friend, is someone who loves you so much, knows you so well, has invested a great deal, and will tell you straight to your face when you are being an idiot and need to face a hard truth.

I have a struggle with Pride. Pride is the root of all other evils, and it is the one that if you don't acknowledge you have, will slowly eat you alive.

My struggle is to be able to do it on my own, and sadly enough to prove to the world that I can do it all on my own...hearing Jenny tell me tonight that my words were "I want to prove to the world" was enough to slap me into reality...and an even harder pill to swallow when she asked me why I would want the worlds approval, this girl knows me well...

I always thought I was beyond caring what people think...but in reality I struggle with it in different ways than others...I never stress about how I look, I don't freak out if I don't have the next coolest thing...but I do freak out however, how I come across in the subject of money. I hate having people think that I get it all from mommy and daddy and that I never had to work hard for what I have. Its a pride thing, its a desire to show everyone that I can do it on my own and that I have been for a long time.

I moved out of my parents house about a month ago because I wanted to prove that I could live on my own, pay my own bills and survive....I knew this without needing to move out...but who was I proving this to?

I could much better use my time to save money and walk to work since its a whopping two minutes from my parents house...but no, my pride took me to Pleasanton where I now commute 15-20 minutes per day to and from work just to 'prove' that I can do it.

(I've taken a three week break from writing this, and now I need to really get my train of thought back lol)

I don't need to prove to anyone that I can do it, the simple fact of the matter is that I can't do anything at all. I don't mean that in a self-depricating sort of way, what I mean is...well...I can't do a single thing, even taking my next breath as I write this without God. I don't have any money at all, I don't have a car, I don't even have this computer...its not mine. Nothing is. I'm realizing that today...that nothing I think I own is really mine at all. That it is all a precious gift, but it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Him. I need to look at EVERYTHING I have, even this computer, and look at it as an instrument to bring Him praise and glory.

Truth be told, I have no idea where any of this is coming from. I sit here with a million ideas swirling through my mind and all I can seem to think about is how incredibly selfish I am. I am moving home now because I want to figure out what it means to live for Jesus...but not just live for him in a "I go to church every Sunday sort of way", but in a real and honest way that may require me giving up every single comfort I have in order to truly follow him in the way that the disciples followed him in the first century.

My pride is among the many things I need to change. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have no need to 'prove' that I can pay for myself because in reality, it would never be me providing anything I have anyway. I need to stop freaking out thinking that it all hinges on me. I need to just give up my life to Him.

Love

As busy as life gets

I never want to loose focus on whats important

I was blessed to spend some awesome time this weekend

I was with two lovely friends

Ally and Lynnie

They are a blessing because being home isn't easy

but having two women who love the Lord to be in community with

well

that makes life burst with brilliance

I am home

that word 'home' never seems to not have an impact on my heart

I am blessed

I am content

I am loved

My goal in life right now

to LOVE

but really love

the kind that is sacrificial

the kind that is hard

the kind that makes me have to look to God 

the kind that doesn't just happen

the kind I have to choose

and I will

but only in His strength

Because His love is strong

its powerful

it can bring healing

it can motivate forgiveness 

May the Lords light shine through me

that those around me may see Him

that they may see

and be changed

You are the sun

I am the moon

I reflect you