I know I don't realistically have time. I would love to say that I am completely enjoying this experience and that I find myself as a better person than how I left. I would love to say that TFA is keeping me sane and that I feel like I am making a difference.
The truth is, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. This is like college x10 and then some. I find that everyday my world is rocked again, and that I can't seem to find the desire to get up in the morning to teach another 5th grade math lesson.
I know God is working, I know this will be good for me in the end, I know that there is a definite purpose to me being here.
I could find a million reasons to complain, could tell you all the reasons I want to curse out my CMA or give up planning another stupid lesson that the kids most likely won't understand. Ultimately though, that won't do me any good. So instead I will start by telling you what God IS doing, so that I can get myself into a positive mindset.
Today was less than wonderful, and to be truthful I woke up, looked in the mirror and prayed that I could go home because I felt like giving up. Then I went to the school, taught a mediocre lesson and came home fuming angry that I not only wasn't getting the results I wanted, but that the kids were more difficult to handle than I had intended, and that those leading me in this TFA adventure were less than helpful at getting me to results in the classroom. But after I got home and vented to a group of friends who were seemingly just as angry as I was...I took a shower and put on some worship music. The moment I started singing along to the songs that I find comfort me most, I found myself suddenly in God's presence.
I had been praying a lot this week, but mostly the quick "I need you now God" or the "Please help me wake up at 5 am tomorrow" prayers. I wasn't actually attempting to engage with Him and talk to Him about the experiences I was having, or even spending time with Him in general. I walked downstairs tonight though, after listening to worship, and opened my devotional book from the Women's Retreat at my church at home and read todays lesson...it was on Psalm 23. That is one of my all-time favorite verses. I read it and not only did it perfectly align to my thought process, but also to my hearts condition. The topic was Trust...a little something that I have been lacking lately. It said that the Lord is guiding me, that He is in control of this situation and even if I am going through "the valley of the shadow of death" that I should "fear no evil"...I have been feeling like I am being put through the fires of Hell here...emotionally and physically drained at the end of everyday and ready for God to get me out of this situation that He called me to. I know today was hard, I know tomorrow will likely be harder, and the next two years even harder than that. But I will stay confident in the knowledge of the Lord leading me, of Him putting me here for a very distinct reason...and after all, He must believe I can do this, even in the moments when Satan and my own beaten down heart tell me I can't.
So for anyone reading this, I am fine here in Atlanta GA, I can't wait to get back to Memphis and set up my own place and sleep in my own bed. I can't wait to be through the fire of institute, and at this point I can't wait to be home in California. I will try and keep positive and rest in the knowledge of the Lord leading me in His ways...even if they are not at all what I desire at this point. Please keep me in your prayers and keep sending all of those encouraging texts...they are what are helping me get through the day along with the Lords wonderful strength that I don't possess.
With Love,
Kristina Janette
