I walked into my old job, Little Bridges, and as I show up there I walk through the gate and as one little girl, Ariana runs to me screaming, "Miss Kristina, Miss Kristina", that leads to a large group of about 10 girls sprinting up to me, surrounding all sides of me asking for hugs, kisses and affection. For the first time all week a full blown smile lights up my face. I look deeply into the eyes of all the little girls (and a few little boys who loved me too) and see that they love me and care about me as I do for them.
After about five minutes of intense hugs and girls fighting for my attention I see from the gate a girl, 5th grader, she is staring at me through the gate. Her name is Lacee. She is my sunshine, my shining star and my comfort. Sounds ridiculous but its not. This little girl in just one smile can make me feel like I am truly important and that I have made an impact.
She smiles at me and comes through the gate looking for the first place to put down her newly made gingerbread house. Running to me, she leans over and gives me a HUGE hug without letting go. Sounds insane, but I was on the verge of tears holding her in my arms. This one little girl has shared so many secrets with me, heartaches and love. I have given this little girl a piece of my heart that I hope will stay with her. I have been able to share wisdom as she brings me to a fuller understanding of Love. As soon as she hugs me there is no letting go. She is permenantly glued to my right hip for the rest of the time that I am there.
I deeply desire to know how her life is going, what she is learning in school, how to be praying for her. There were days when I worked there that she would cry and not a single soul could calm her like me, not saying that I am anything special, but that God has allowed a special connection between her and I that can never be broken. I would hold her as she cried tears of anguish and pain, tears for her baby sibling that will never be born, and for the many other problems that have come up that God has given me the special gift of holding and caring about. As she clings to my side and the rest of these little girls argue and fight for my attention I realize how blessed I am to be a part of their lives. A part that will forever matter because I was given the capacity to love them from Almighty God.
As I look at Lacee, her eyes show me that she adores me, loves me and loves that I care enough to come back. All my memories of singing and praying with her through the tears came back and all I wanted to do was have the assurance that I would be there for it all.
Unfortunately I cant. I live in LA now, at an amazing school, and I cant be there for her, for all the exciting moments when she rushes into the room to tell me the good news in her life, to hold her when the tears well up.
She is a tough little girl. She can put on a smile like no one I know, but I still know when she smiles, when there is really more going on that she isn't saying. Her defenses hit the ground the moment we are alone. I love that I have been given the gift of knowing her heart so intimately. One day I dream that someone will know me so well. We sit alone and she can share her dreams, worries, fears, sadness, excitement and so much more.
Her favorite nickname for me is "mommy". A fifth grade girl calls me mommy! A bunch of the other little girls call me that same name, mostly my previous kindergarten girls from last year, but it doesn't quite hit the same. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of the little girls, each one I have wonderful memories of, but when Lacee calls me that, its because on some level, she actually believes it. We talked about how I could be an older sister, but she didn't quite think that fit as well. She envisions me as one person she can come to with anything, and that not only will I listen and care, but I will Love. I adore being called that name from her, although it seems rather silly for me to be her "mom". Her real mom is not that close with her which I believe is part of it.
As I look back and see my relationship with this one little girl, as much as I would love to believe that I have made an impact on her life, I believe wholeheartedly that God has used her to teach me. I have learned to Love unconditionally, to listen (because that is something I still struggle with), to hurt for those who hurt, to smile even when its difficult, to trust in a way that allows vulnerability, and to share. When she is older I hope that our relationship can grow, for now my limitations as an adult and teacher are difficult because I can not share with her all that I wish, mostly due to her age and appropriateness. At the same time, God has used me to share wisdom and stories in my life to help her with hers. She is an astounding little girl with a heart of gold. It is so important to remember the thing that I always whisper to her when we pray together, that God loves her far more than I ever can and that when I am and when I am not there she needs to lean on him for her strength.
I have been amazingly blessed by my relationship with one little girl. Lacee. Thank you Jesus so much for her! I can only pray that my relationship with my daughter will one day be the same or better.
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