I could sing, I could dance, I could cry

Today in my little isolated world, I experienced little glimpses of healing, closure, pain, joy, hope, closeness, truth, and blessing.

As I sit here attempting to fix a paper due tomorrow and listening to worship music I cant help but be distracted. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to shout to God the gratefulness I have for his blessings and grace in my life. 

I went today and spoke with my most recent ex. It was not a situation I wished upon myself but it is one that I knew was completely necessary for closure, peace, and forgiveness. I am not the type of person who likes to leave things unfinished, and after 3 months of not speaking, I felt it was time enough for us to process our thoughts and emotions from the relationship and to speak about what we never talked about. I walked in with my speech prepared and didn't use hardly any....thats to be expected with me though, because if I truly let God speak like I feel he did today, then what I have to say is no where near as good as what He, the Lord of the Universe, has to say. 

It was a time of healing because I told him how I needed forgiveness for my faults in our relationship. I heard his heart and saw changes in him I had been praying for, for well over a year now. It was a beautiful thing for two broken people to come, talk, and share their faults with one another, to apologize for hurt caused, to forgive each other honestly, and to speak of the Grace of God in a way that we had never spoken of before. We are different people than who we were when we were together. For the most part I would say that it is a beautiful change in both of us. More of figuring out who we are and letting God mold us into the man and woman God has created and planned for us to be. We are both whole people who desire to seek the Lord and understand that we are not what God has planned for the other. 

I saw a friend in my ex today. I saw a man who is growing and changing and is a drastically different person than a few months ago. I am so excited for what is to come in his life and the changes that will continue to happen in him. I am glad for closure, full peace, and a new chance to see who God is making him and I. 

I want to sing because I know that singing is just a little part of how I worship my Lord and Savior. I feel so much better, as if the pain and brokenness I had been feeling the past few months melted away in a few hours. I am not saying that I am healed of all brokenness, I realize things like that take time, but today was a HUGE step towards me returning to myself, the bubbly, brutally honest, wears her heart on her sleeve, emotional girl who lives passionately. 

I suppose I am learning to balance myself out. I am learning the difference between too emotional and being too closed off.

 I am remembering the beauty of songs and how they move my soul to worship the Lord for ALL He has done.

 I am craving to dance like King David danced, loving my Lord and Savior with complete abandon not worried if I am undignified in anyones eyes.

 I am learning to be grateful, to be gracious, to be passionate. 

Thank you Lord for telling me that I am on my way back home, thank you for bringing my heart back to a place where I can feel again, where I can be vulnerable, where I can be honest, and where I can show the world all that you alone have done to heal me. 

Love always,

Kristina Janette

Brokenness eats away at me

Brokenness eats away at you like a cancer to your heart. Its not meant to not be dealt with, its not meant to just sit dormant, under the surface without any harm or growth. When you are broken, it doesn't simply stay the same. 
You have two options with brokenness, let it eat away at you like a cancer to your heart and soul, let it grow until its too far out of control that there is no outcome but death, or find it early and take the painful treatment that will cause it to go away. Sometimes cancer comes back, but if caught early you can be rid of it forever. 
I have been letting my brokenness in my life dictate who I am becoming. The essence of who I am is a girl that loves the Lord, who cares deeply about others, is incredibly emotional, and always wears her heart on her sleeve. I have been hiding behind my "stained glass masquerade" for far too long. I didn't realize that only a few months of hiding behind the mask I felt I needed to wear could change everything and wreak havoc on my heart and soul. 
I was kidding myself into believing that my last relationship ending didn't hurt. I felt like it was easier to just blame it all on him and then nothing would be my fault and I could just stay angry or numb and it would all just go away. The numbness and anger is fading now, but I am realizing that there is a lot of unresolved problems that I let simmer under the surface. 
I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like that when my best friends asked me why I was upset I could simply look them in the eyes and tell them nothing. I used to be the person in every relationship who would bear my heart first so that everyone else felt comfortable to do so, I brought out the vulnerability first because I had learned that that is the only way to a persons heart. Instead over the past few months I have been building unnecessary walls around my heart, fearful that if someone got too close I would have to explain that I really did love him, that I was really hurt that he and I left so much unsettled. I didn't want to explain that I needed to apologize to him as much, if not more, than I needed him to apologize to me. I wanted to think that staying angry and putting up walls and becoming an amazing actress again would fix all my problems. 
Last night, I finally saw what saying exactly on my mind felt like again. I got to remember that holding back didn't accomplish anything but confusion and more brokenness. I got to see that people still care about me even when I don't let them in. I had been terrified to let anyone see that there was too much for me to handle, that all I really needed was some help that I was too scared to ask for. I put a smile on my face and told everyone I was fine, when that was the very last thing I was. I needed to cry in the shower, and up against the wall, and on my knees, but I couldn't. The tears stopped coming for the first time since early high school. I shut myself off from God because I wanted to make myself whole rather than letting Him make me whole again. 

What I need is to forgive. To be forgiven. To let people in rather than shutting them out. To let my heart be known and to finally deal with the brokenness that I was letting eat away at me rather than get better. Sometimes I suppose we need to learn the hard way. I'm not sure how I got on this journey or how I thought resorting back to who I was in early high school would solve my problems, but I am going to stop playing in this stained glass masquerade. I am going to let people see my heart transparently without fear of getting hurt, because at the essence of who I am, that is me. A fully open person who longs for people to know her closely and without bars and doors and walls keeping everyone from her.

Till he returns or calls me home

 ²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

 ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

   “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-39

Sitting in chapel this morning I was extremely distracted. My mind tends to wander to things of the night before or daydreams of things I wish would happen. Sometimes I wish more than anything to be present in a moment, fully immersed in what is going on around me, and other times I am completely content in living in my dream world in which I can reflect and be alone even if everyone around me is sitting right there.

As we sang the last song of chapel the words, "Till he returns or calls me home, here in the love of Christ I stand!" were on constant repeat in my mind. It felt like having a song stuck in my head and I knew it wouldn't go away until I heard it again, but even as I sang it over and over again all throughout the day, it still wouldn't leave. It was like a pesky hick-up that was caught in my throat and all you can do is pay attention to the way it takes over your whole day and mind.

The reason that the song was stuck in my head I think was because of this current struggle with my health. Even today as I met a friend for coffee I felt nauseous the whole time and then later I found myself curled in a ball in extreme pain because of my stomach. I am awaiting yet another set of blood tests in order to find out yet another round of what is wrong with me. When I reflect on the words of the song I cant help but simply look to God for my comfort and my strength as I go through this pain. I know that in Christ's abundant love for me he died, a much more painful death than any pain I can possibly imagine and that as I suffer in my own ways I can draw strength and comfort from the cross and the pain Jesus suffered all for me. I want to stand firm in the hope of Christ and the idea that one day Christ will either come back or if not he will call me home and I will feel no more pain, no more suffering and no more worries.

I know that God only does what is good, and by good I mean what is best for His plan. Sometimes in life, things seem bad, situations seem hopeless and frustrating but in reality they will always end up working for His plan and for His good. I am not afraid because I know that because of Christ and His sacrifice I have nothing to fear. I am afraid at times that I might have something wrong with me that can't be fixed or that God might bring me home sooner than i'd like, but ultimately I know that His timing is perfect, His ways are best, and He is in control and I am not afraid for that reason. I have complete hope and trust in the goodness of my father, and I am excited for when I get to be Home and with my father, with no more pain and no more worries. I am blessed to have a father who loves me so much.

Men of Faith

Dec 28, 2008

I was in Tahoe over Christmas, staying in my cabin with my family enjoying life with the people that are closest to me. One of these lovely nights as we are all sitting around in the living room, my Dad's good friend comes to spend some time with us. As I see this amazing man who I have seen as just as much a part of my family as those blood related to me, I ran up to him and gave him the same huge hug that I have given him since I was a little girl. I would see him, pause, then take a running jump into his arms as I wrap my arms around his neck.

I always have lots of "extra" family that I talk about, I suppose this man can count as an uncle....yea that works. So anyways, he comes over to spend time with my family and he ends up telling us about troubles with his wife no longer desiring to go to church. Now hearing all about this it brought quite a bit more to thought about how women in the church do not always act in ways that best represent Christ (but thats a topic for another time).

So Mike tells us about how a year has passed since he has seen his wife at church with him and how it is making things difficult. He spends the days and nights in constant prayer for his wife, that the troubles involving certain other women would not effect her relationship with Christ, although it already has. He prays unceasingly for his wife and I find that to be one of the most amazing things.

His wife was the one who lead him to Christ, his wife has always been a great woman of faith and now he has taken over in the faith department of their marriage. I see nothing wrong with that at all. I see that as he grows closer with his savior he is constantly in battle with his wife, but he is fighting for her like crazy and is praying and slowly allowing God to work on her heart as he remains patient. I see his silent fight for his wife as one of the most precious things I have ever heard of or seen. I can only pray that as he continues to see his wife as a precious jewel, and gorgeous gift, and a caring woman...that maybe one day I might find a man who finds me worth fighting for even when I might fall away, a man who isn't willing to give up simply because a situation is difficult and seems hopeless.

My fathers friend gives me hope for all men everywhere, they yes, somewhere there are amazing Men who will fight for the woman they love no matter how hard it may be. He also gives me the confidence to not settle for anything less than that. He is a man of God who puts Christ first in all he does, gives all the glory, honor and power to Him. His is not selfish or prideful but filled with the Holy Spirit and a humble heart that finds his strength in the only One who is able to give it. Also I find it completely amazing that there are still men who use words like gorgeous, beautiful, breathtaking, admirable, delicate, elegant, ravishing and adorable. I wish that guys would use words like these to describe women rather than hot or sexy. More than that, the simple gesture of him always opening a door for his wife or the subtle hand hold or squeeze that lets her know that she is desired by him. There is something so beautiful about their relationship...I find many things that he does that make him into a strong Man of God that I pray will one day find me. :)

Reflections on Life and Relationships

August 29, 2010

Lord God,

    It is incredible to me how faithful you are. I read through my old notes tonight and realized that in the quest to find you these past few years you have been right next to me the whole time. Bringing me through the deep pain and darkness of Depression and then relationships with family and friends and school, but also guiding me to amazing joy and love with those around me. As I sit here tonight I still desire more than anything to live a legacy that is all about loving Christ, and others seeing Christ when they look at me. I pray more than anything that at the end of my life, I will be known to have been a woman who Loved, Forgave, Cherished moments, Prayed, Laughed, Trusted, and Believed. I have so much to learn but I have never felt so content in God's path for my life and trusting that he has everything completely under his control. After all the years of trying to control my life I have finally conceded to letting God guide while I follow. I feel so much happier this way, I don't  want control considering that my decisions and plans are never nearly  as good as God's for my life. 

    I read my Godfather's blog post tonight, it was about Boys turning into Men of God. I read it and realized more than ever that what Travis wrote about is exactly what I want for my life and that I am more than completely willing to wait for it. He wrote about what a real Man of God looks like and how he treats others. I desire a true man that lives in the way that the Men of God that I grew up with at my church are like. Examples of real men are Travis Marsh, Brad Erickson, Chris Ainsworth, Dan Driskill, Scott Head, Joey Oleson, Scott Sears, Dave Scales, Scott Cognato, Aaron Ruff, Andy Williams, and so many others.

    In my waiting for the right man that God has perfectly picked for me, my quest is to become the Woman of God deserving of a Man of God. If I expect so much of a man and want him to have the qualities that Travis speaks about then I need to be a woman that seeks God with her whole heart and her whole life. Every moment is precious and God has shown me how valuable I am. I deserve to be treated well and to be loved in the way that Christ loves. I want to also be a person who loves as Christ loves. I am so blessed with amazing examples of women in my church who exude Christ in their lives. They are role models, they are people who have left a legacy in my life and I want to be someone who leaves a legacy as beautiful and Christ centered as theirs. Lisa Sears, Ann Hughes,  Adrine Marsh, Lee Scales, Jen Morlan, Annie Braun, Christine Hill, Amanda Ainsworth, Kathleen Pearson, Sara Erickson, and so many others. I desire in all the years of my life to dedicate my heart to God and to become the woman that he desires me to be, a woman that loves others more than herself, who is willing to sacrifice and willing to do what it takes to be close to Him.

    The girls and guys of CCPC that I grew up with have had incredible examples placed before us and now as we become women and men we will hopefully follow closely in their footsteps to become the women and men of God that He has intended us to be. I pray wholeheartedly that we all share in this journey together, find support and grow towards our loving Savior who has made this community possible. We are blessed far beyond measure. I am so thankful Lord God. 

always,

Kristina Janette

What Travis wrote in his blog about Turning Boys into Men:

One of my favorite men got married this weekend. From my seat in the wedding (it was a shared officiating ceremony) I watched the stage with great pride. I was proud of the man that Chris had become but I was also proud of the other five men that stood up on that stage with him. Each of them grew up together and leaned into each other constantly to become the men that God called them to be.

It made me think: What did God do in their lives to make them men? As we grow in community together and shape each other what are the key factors that drive our desire to be more than dudes, or guys, but really become men?

1. Dedication to the core truth of the gospel.

These men are dedicated to the Truth of the world. They have chosen the ultimate man to follow and pursue. The one who said that He would lay down his life for his friends. The one who honored women just as much as he honored men. The one who obeyed his father even though he made the most difficult requests. The one who invited all who would call upon his name into his kingdom and family.

2. Dedication to being in relationship with other men.

The distractions of this world lead most boys into becoming guys. They don’t want to be chiseled into men; they want to follow their own path and follow their own pursuits. True men honor each other. True men pursue one another even during the most difficult of times. True men push each other to honor the women in their lives. True men confront each other with the sins in their life. True men celebrate and mourn the ups and downs of life. True men stand by one another through thick and thin.

3. Dedication to finding a Godly woman or at least the pursuit of a Godly woman.

One of the most precious gifts God has given man is woman. When God saw that Adam was alone he knew that he could not be complete without Eve. A man aspiring to live his life as a Godly man will find the greatest fulfillment in marriage. Marriage is one of the main vehicles used to drive a deeper understanding of our relationship to Christ (not the only one, just a powerful one.)

I have enjoyed watching these young men pursue their girlfriends/ wives. They seek to honor them. They seek to present them before Christ, exalted above themselves. They seek to know their wife and through that knowing, grow in their knowledge of Christ. They seek to work through the sin in their relationship that threatens to tear it apart. They seek to mentor other boys around them in how to honor a woman. They desire to create spiritual houses where men honor women, women honor men, and Christ is glorified.

4. Dedication to making decisions and standing by those decisions.

Godly men make decisions even when it is difficult. Godly men own the decisions that they make. Godly men do not let their wives face all of the decision making alone. Godly men do not dictate decisions made in singularity. Godly men make decisions in unison with their wives. Godly men sacrifice by working hard to accomplish the decisions made. Godly men never blame shift when decisions do not work out as planned. Godly men sacrifice by taking the consequences of bad decisions. Godly men always sacrifice to present their wives before Christ blameless.

These things do not happen in perfection. These do not always show themselves each day or week. Instead, these are attitudes, convictions. They are directional. They are the desire of the heart. This is a calling from God to men to be the same as Christ and treat the world as Christ treated the world (Eph. 5:22-33).

My Little Lacee

Dec 19, 2008

I walked into my old job, Little Bridges, and as I show up there I walk through the gate and as one little girl, Ariana runs to me screaming, "Miss Kristina, Miss Kristina", that leads to a large group of about 10 girls sprinting up to me, surrounding all sides of me asking for hugs, kisses and affection. For the first time all week a full blown smile lights up my face. I look deeply into the eyes of all the little girls (and a few little boys who loved me too) and see that they love me and care about me as I do for them. 

After about five minutes of intense hugs and girls fighting for my attention I see from the gate a girl, 5th grader, she is staring at me through the gate. Her name is Lacee. She is my sunshine, my shining star and my comfort. Sounds ridiculous but its not. This little girl in just one smile can make me feel like I am truly important and that I have made an impact. 

She smiles at me and comes through the gate looking for the first place to put down her newly made gingerbread house. Running to me, she leans over and gives me a HUGE hug without letting go. Sounds insane, but I was on the verge of tears holding her in my arms. This one little girl has shared so many secrets with me, heartaches and love. I have given this little girl a piece of my heart that I hope will stay with her. I have been able to share wisdom as she brings me to a fuller understanding of Love. As soon as she hugs me there is no letting go. She is permenantly glued to my right hip for the rest of the time that I am there.

I deeply desire to know how her life is going, what she is learning in school, how to be praying for her. There were days when I worked there that she would cry and not a single soul could calm her like me, not saying that I am anything special, but that God has allowed a special connection between her and I that can never be broken. I would hold her as she cried tears of anguish and pain, tears for her baby sibling that will never be born, and for the many other problems that have come up that God has given me the special gift of holding and caring about. As she clings to my side and the rest of these little girls argue and fight for my attention I realize how blessed I am to be a part of their lives. A part that will forever matter because I was given the capacity to love them from Almighty God. 

As I look at Lacee, her eyes show me that she adores me, loves me and loves that I care enough to come back. All my memories of singing and praying with her through the tears came back and all I wanted to do was have the assurance that I would be there for it all. 

Unfortunately I cant. I live in LA now, at an amazing school, and I cant be there for her, for all the exciting moments when she rushes into the room to tell me the good news in her life, to hold her when the tears well up. 

She is a tough little girl. She can put on a smile like no one I know, but I still know when she smiles, when there is really more going on that she isn't saying. Her defenses hit the ground the moment we are alone. I love that I have been given the gift of knowing her heart so intimately. One day I dream that someone will know me so well. We sit alone and she can share her dreams, worries, fears, sadness, excitement and so much more. 

Her favorite nickname for me is "mommy". A fifth grade girl calls me mommy! A bunch of the other little girls call me that same name, mostly my previous kindergarten girls from last year, but it doesn't quite hit the same. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of the little girls, each one I have wonderful memories of, but when Lacee calls me that, its because on some level, she actually believes it. We talked about how I could be an older sister, but she didn't quite think that fit as well. She envisions me as one person she can come to with anything, and that not only will I listen and care, but I will Love. I adore being called that name from her, although it seems rather silly for me to be her "mom". Her real mom is not that close with her which I believe is part of it. 

As I look back and see my relationship with this one little girl, as much as I would love to believe that I have made an impact on her life, I believe wholeheartedly that God has used her to teach me. I have learned to Love unconditionally, to listen (because that is something I still struggle with), to hurt for those who hurt, to smile even when its difficult, to trust in a way that allows vulnerability, and to share. When she is older I hope that our relationship can grow, for now my limitations as an adult and teacher are difficult because I can not share with her all that I wish, mostly due to her age and appropriateness. At the same time, God has used me to share wisdom and stories in my life to help her with hers. She is an astounding little girl with a heart of gold. It is so important to remember the thing that I always whisper to her when we pray together, that God loves her far more than I ever can and that when I am and when I am not there she needs to lean on him for her strength. 

I have been amazingly blessed by my relationship with one little girl. Lacee. Thank you Jesus so much for her! I can only pray that my relationship with my daughter will one day be the same or better.

I want to leave a legacy

Jan 12, 2009

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love? 

Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically

And leave that kind of legacy

(Nicole Nordeman LEGACY)

It seems as if every place I go, every message I hear, every strong person of faith in my life, and every funeral service makes me contemplate this idea of leaving a legacy. Its not uncommon for me to be sitting on my couch or even in a room full of people and silently thinking about what others might think of me after I leave this earth. I have been mulling over these words of the Nicole Nordeman song for so long...I still can recall the first time I heard it, sitting up in the balcony of my home church, it was about ten degrees too warm for my fuzzy jacket and as I looked over on the stage where the woman who taught me everything I know about singing, belted out this song so passionately as all the lights were on her, I was astonished at the powerful questions in this song and the emotions the words were evoking in my heart. I remember sitting there and listening to the words so intently and wondering what kind of legacy I would leave behind. 

It was my grandmothers funeral about two years ago and my great grandmothers this past year. Its always nice to sit and listen to the great stories about these women in my life but something seemed so incredibly wrong as I sat and mourned the loss of them and listened to everyone that came to speak. Not one spoke of their faith in Christ. Unfortunately neither were believers and so they never lived out lives that exemplified Jesus. I sat there and was hoping and praying that one day, people would get up and remember me for being someone who loved the Lord and was an example of Christ in my daily life.

Similarly, I was at a funeral two weeks ago and as I sat there at my "big brothers" fathers funeral loads of people went up to speak about the quiet life he lived, his love for motorcycles, his love for his two sons, but most importantly his deep love for God that was constantly reflected in the way he lived his life. He was a man of very few words but as he lived out his life people knew there was something different about him, something that pointed straight to Jesus. He left a legacy that people will remember one of a quiet strong faith that people admired about him. 

I certainly think that if I left today, it would not be the legacy I would have wanted people to remember me by. Sure people might remember me as crazy or outgoing and maybe even as a girl who went to church every sunday...but I want people to remember me for being a light that pointed to Christ in every aspect of my life. (I am completely aware this is not possible considering that there will always be places in my life that I will fail and screw up but i would like to try anyways...) I would like people to remember me for caring for others and putting others above myself, for not having pride and selfish ambition, for being a better listener than a talker. (certainly something to work on) Most of all I want people to see Christ in me and in all that I do. To see my deep and passionate love for children and that i was a servant. I am the first to tell you, I suck, I am not the best at doing any of these things nor do i claim to be. These are goals; not like the silly new years resolutions that no one ever seems to keep, but goals that are practical, something I can work towards. 

I suppose the whole point of this is that I would like to change, I want to live a life worth remembering, one that isn't about me, but about my Father, my Savior my All. I desperately desire to be the woman of God that God created me to be. I know that I am not the best at living well, I have so many areas that need work, but this is my goal, the thing on my mind constantly and I just hope that one day I will be able to look back at this time in my life and know that I really did make some changes in my life to better live out this faith that I claim so strongly. 

always,

Kristina Janette 

Mixed Emotions

Dec 11, 2008

Amazing how things can totally cause you to freak out. I am sitting in my room right now, avoiding hanging out with some of my closest friends because i cant seem to get into the right mindset to hang out with them. I feel as if i go over to their house, then i will only bring sadness and a poor attitude which is not fair to anyone. Sometimes i swear that i am all by myself. In a room of 30 people, most of which i know quite well, i can feel totally and utterly alone. Sometimes i feel as if not a person in the world can understand my emotions or what i am feeling. I sit wondering if i am all alone in this world. When is God going to answer my deepest desires? When will i stop focusing on the random and stupid things of life and finally truly only look to Him for comfort? When will i stop being so darn selfish and worry more about others? What walls do i keep up from the world and how in the world to i break them down? I have had Ginny Owens song "If you want me to" stuck in my head all day, wishing i could find the meaning that God has in it for me...I want to enjoy every moment and have complete joy but i have no way of hiding the things that tear me apart. I want to have my deepest desires met, and like a wise friend told me last night, "sometimes we are just crawling around in the darkness but God wont let us crawl around alone forever". How true i know that is. How true the God loves me, that he wants to answer my deepest desires, to comfort me, but it is all in his timing, in his ways, and quite honestly i am the least patient person on the entire planet. 

I hate how one person in my life can dictate my mood for the rest of a day or the week. One person should NEVER have that much influence on my emotions...but they do. The problem is i look to them to answer that deep longing i have, and they cant fill it. I look to them and when they cant provide what i am looking for i just crumble apart. Who knew life could be so difficult. I want to go to the party now, to enjoy friendships that i have been abundantly blessed with....but i dont know if i am ready....I am just praying that in this time of feeling so lost and alone that God will speak his truth to me.

"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, and i don't know the reason why you brought me here. But just because you love me the way that you do, i am gonna walk through the valley if you want me to" 

"Cuz i am not who i was when i took my first step, and im clinging to the promise your not through with me yet, so if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then i will go through the fire if you want me to"

"It may not be the way, i would have chosen, when you lead me through a world thats not my home, but you never said it would be easy, you only said i'd never go alone."

"so when the whole world turns against me and im all by myself and i cant hear you answer my cries for help, i will the remember the suffering your love put you though and i will go through the valley if you want me to" 

Lord please teach me to be patient, to wait for the things you have for me, to give me hope and to only look to you to fill my every aching need. No one else will ever be able to fill this hole, so help me to stop looking. Please take away any unpure thoughts that are not of you, fill me with your spirit and your comforting arms of love. 

Love always,

kristina seat

Tossing and Turning

This was written originally Dec 12, 2008

Tossing and turning all night long, searching for answers to questions and worrying needlessly over things that are not even in my hands. I forget constantly to, as my friend says, "let go and let God." Sometimes it drives me crazy how people use the christian cliche's all the time, and then I realize I am guilty of the same offense. My heart is lost in confusion, my emotions are haywire, and I still feel as if I am crawling around in the dark searching for any hope to hold onto. 

Its crazy to grow up in a Christian family, to know all the right answers and exactly what the bible says, and even with knowing it, your heart still doubts it. There is no faith without doubt, but why doubt the obvious. Yes, of course I know God is there, Yes I know he has my best interests at heart, Yes he wants to fill my deepest desires, Yes he loves me unconditionally no matter how terribly I screw up. 

Why do I have such a lack of faith? Why do I constantly look to other places to fill the gaping holes in my heart? Why can I struggle with the same questions over and over again over the course of years? I swear, just as I think God has answered my questions or I have figured it out, the same problems and questions creep right back into my mind! Its infuriating. Why does God allow unspeakable pain? Why do memories of the past have to constantly haunt me? (not that they are terribly bad or disturbing memories, but ones that simply bring sadness) Why do things have to change? Why do I loose faith in God answering my questions and deepest desires? He IS capable! He can do all! 

As i finished redeeming love this morning, I realized my lack of patience AGAIN! Not only that, but I realized as well that I am still just like Hosea's wife, constantly running away, and eventually I will find comfort in the only one who can bring it, my Savior, Jesus. He is the only one to bring comfort, true joy, true contentment (in any and every situation. Its terrible to be in these poor moods but I suppose its better than putting on a mask to play the part of the happy and careless person. I cant stand hiding my emotions, if you know me even a little bit or have known me longer than a couple days, normally you can easily see that I am the person who wears her heart on her sleeve, you wont find me pretending, and if I do, you need only to look at my eyes and they quickly tell the whole story. 

Things eat away at me for no reason. I need to let God take care of all my insecurities, all my worries, all my pain, and let Him answer my questions rather than trying to answer them myself. Its pointless to search for answers on my own, ill be left on my knees crying out for help (but hey humility is something nice to get out of it I suppose). 

So here I am Lord, calling out your name, asking for you to please, draw me into your arms, give me the comfort I need. Allow me to enjoy friendships, allow me to be patient with the things I desire most. Allow me to care less about myself and more about others. Allow me to not wallow in my own self-pity and instead look to help others. I don't want to be trapped in this muck and mire of my hurt. I want to be free, and the only freedom is in your name Jesus. Please help me to cling to you like you cling to me, help me to stop running away and instead running into your open arms of LOVE. Love is what this world needs. Help me to see the world in a whole new light, to see your love in a whole new light. "Less of me and more and more of you" I want to drop all my worries at your door! I want to let you bear my burdens because I have carried them far too long.

Chocolate and Fruit

This is something I wrote about a year ago but I wanted to post because it is something I still believe and think about.

Your heart gets twisted in so many directions. We seek to fill the places in our heart that seem so hard to reach. When we attempt to fill them, we end up trying in all the wrong ways. My heart contains this void, something feels incomplete. I accepted Jesus as a child, knew full well that he was my savior and that he loved me, but despite his overflowing and unending love i ran away. I thought there were easier ways to fill this void so i searched it out in idols. People above my savior, put on a pedestal. 

Reality crashed in all around me, none of these people, none of these things could possibly fill this void, none of them except...why do we run to things that will never fulfill? Why do we look in all the wrong places before finding the right one?

My body craves something sweet, my body needs the sweet taste upon my lips. I search it out and find the dark chocolate that satisfies my tongue, but not my stomach. My stomach is still empty, It wasn't something sweet my body longed for, it was the vitamins that come from the sweet fruit of the vine. My body was gorging itself on chocolate that does nothing but wet the appetite when all along all it needed was the sweet fruit. 

I try pieces of grapes and strawberries, and slowly this void is being filled. Filled to overflowing as i realize i don't even need all that is there. I can share this extra fruit because my body has had its fill, I can share this life giving fruit, with its life giving nutrients to others. No one shall go hungary when they eat from the fruit of love. 

Why had i wasted my time eating the sweet chocolate that did nothing but make me crave more? Why did I search out other things when what I needed was right before me. 

We go to all the other places before we go to God, he is right before us. We must stop gorging ourselves on chocolate when we can have life giving fruit any time we choose. No more false idols, no more. 

I want to stop putting things other than Christ on a pedestal. I want christ to be the center of my life. I want his life giving goodness instead of searching out pointless idols. I want the only thing that can truly fulfill.

Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit, Perfect Love

Beauty oF Home

For most people the image of home can spark a myriad of emotions. It can provoke comfort, anger, uneasiness, hope, fear, excitement, memories and so much more. Some may think of a house, a place, or a state of being. Its not just one thing that comes to mind as I think of home.

What is home? 

Is it refuge, comfort, family, memories, a building, a bed, peace?

Amy and I: Tahoe 2008

One of the most difficult questions I can answer is, "Where is home?" Four things come to mind....Tahoe, Danville, Canyon Creek, and Heaven.

Tahoe is a beautiful place. The place I would say I am most at home. The place where my life seems to make sense. God seems real and close and the distractions of life seem far away, everything is simpler. Tahoe is my safe haven, I can sit on the beach during sunset and watch the sun set over the mountains. I can sit on our back deck with family and friends having silly and serious conversations over my dads amazing BBQ dinner. I can feel Gods presence as I sit on my little private beach on North Shore and watch the rocks appear and disappear under the waves as they lap up on the mountainside. Its where I go when I need to be alone with the Lord, and where I can go cry out to God for clarity in the midst of the clouds covering my brain. Its home to me because when the rest of the world seems to be going crazy, I can go there, its is my refuge, my calming place. 

Danville mostly can be considered home because that is where my family lives. On Junewood court is where my life seems to be centered on. When I tell friends at school that I am going "home" they know that essentially I am saying that I am going to my parents house where I have a bedroom and food and people I love. Although Danville is the technical place that would be considered home, I have never really and truly felt "home" there. 

Canyon Creek is home for my soul. Everyone always says that the church is not a physical building but rather a community of people. Canyon Creek Church is my home because that is where God has revealed himself to me, its where I became a Christian. Because of the people that influenced my life there, I can forever consider CCPC my church home. When I think of CCPC I think of overwhelming love, no matter where I have been or what I have done, the family of CCPC welcomes me in, makes me feel loved and deeply appreciated and there is a care that shines through everyones eyes that knows me. The strong emotional attachment could come from the fact that I have been able to serve there, or also because I have been able to love there, or because I have been taking care of there. CCPC is home because ultimately when I need soul care, a place to let my heart be known and cared for and about, I know that my church "family" is there. No matter how much time passes I can always go back and know that it is safe there. 

Heaven is Home. I can't help but think that my home is not here on this Earth, as much as some days I thoroughly enjoy being here, what I long for can't be fulfilled while I am still in this physical body. I spoke last night to a friend and told him not to be sad for me because I am in pain, but instead to be excited for the day that I will have no pain anymore. I was telling him that he didn't need to worry if God took me home, because ultimately it should be a joyful occasion! When I go home I will have unending joy, unending fullness, unending clarity, and a complete lack of pain.

I am not afraid to go home, my real home with my Father and my Savior. I am not afraid of being gone as much as I am the pain that I might have to endure on the way. I experience physical pain each and every day...some days are worse than others but in the end I try not to complain or worry because I know that in some way or another I might be able to give glory to my Father in heaven because of it, and secondly because I know that it is only temporary. My pain might last for the night, but in the dawn of a new day when this earth passes away, my pain and struggle will be gone.

When I was in high school I fell in love with a song by Mercyme called Homesick. The words still affect me today. 

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now 

The women of Tahoe
Amy, Sandy, Sandy, Cathy, Kristina

Friends in Tahoe

Canyon Creek Church Crew
Josh, Jax, Matt, Andrew, Robert, Jenny, Ash, Stevie, Kristina,  Will

Emerald Bay Tahoe

Family 

Our Home in Tahoe

Kings Beach Tahoe

The Lake

This song seems to be encapsulating all my feelings today. I long for home. Sometimes I wonder which home I long for, but tonight I know that I long for the deep intimacy with my Savior Jesus Christ, that will only be fully possible and complete when I am in heaven in perfect community with Him who loves me above all else. I long for no more pain, no more worries, no more sadness, no more stress, no more anxiety. I long for the fullness of His Grace, His Mercy, His Love, and His Presence. I have so much here already, but nothing on earth will quite compare to the Beauty of Home.