Blessings in Disguise

I took two CLEP tests...I missed passing on by one point and the other by three...I was eagerly anticipating passing them so that I would be able to start Grad school in February. I had put all of my hopes into starting and now I don't get to.

Normally I imagine someone would be angry that their plans are changing, I am one of those normal people, but for this time in my life, my reaction was different. I found out that I wasn't going to start when I planned and I honestly in that moment realized that my plans are not the end all be all of life.

I had made a commitment this year after my breakup in August that I would no longer try and plan my life and that instead I was going to let God take control. I guess I figured planning where I was going to Grad school didn't count as planning my life, God is teaching me that even that isn't my choice at all.

Im not mad at all that God changes my plans and what I want to do. I am now stuck in the position to figure out if I even want to get my Teaching Credential at all, and if I do, where do I want to get it?

The moral of the story is, I made plans, God changes them or at least alters them to what He wants, and now I get to live in a bit of confusion until God makes it clear to me what He wants me to do. I figures there is a blessing in disguise and that He will put me exactly where He wants...I will start Grad school when and where I am supposed to...until then, I plan on simply enjoying life and trusting in a plan thats not mine.

When Darkness Creeps In

Being someone that has struggled with depression for a few years of my life, I have had to realize what things make it come back in full swing.

I have readily dealt with my emotions and my depression for over a year and a half now, it has been a struggle, its always those certain little thoughts that creep in when I am least expecting it.

Today my boyfriend showed me a message on his cell phone from a friend of ours, I am not sure why but all of a sudden, with no notice at all, I had all of my worst fears and feelings during my depression come back as if I were standing in front of the Hoover Dam and all the floodgates were opened on me.

I can't explain the feelings or the fact that I want no one around me when I feel this way. I cant stand the fact that my heart breaks as these thoughts plague me. Its painful. It tears at my insides and eats me alive like a disease. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want Satan's words to pierce my heart. I know that I can let God in and allow him to take away these thoughts.

Currently I am doing all that I know how, praying and hoping that God will fight the demons left inside of me. Maybe one day I will be able to believe that when my friends say they love me and care for me I will feel it. I will know it completely. I wont be tempted to roll my eyes and think they are all liars. I will look at them and know their love because my eyes wont be tainted by the words of Satan.

Dear Lord,
Please grant me peace, use your strength to fight my demons because I am not strong enough. I know you are strong in my weakness and I need you to fight the battle for me. God I need your help, your comfort, your grace, and most of all your Truth. I know I am deeply loved by you Lord God, because how could I ever look at the sacrifice you made and not know I am loved? Lord help me to believe that that is enough, that even if the rest of the world hates me, you alone is enough for me! Lord, help me to believe people when the genuinely say they love me and care for me. Help me to not be tempted to roll my eyes or to allow the demons to caress the darkness already in me. Lord let your light shine in my heart and in my life so that nothing at all can separate me from you, not even these dark thoughts. Help me to believe I am loved. I know the love I have for you Lord God, you have given everything to me. Lord take the darkness away, please God, please.

Orfanato

Sometimes you get a chance to step away from a life that seems to be all about you and immerse yourself into something all together beautiful and beyond yourself.

This a few weekends ago I went to Mexico to Monte de Olivos, Casa Hogar Orphanage in Uruapan Mexico.

I was blessed to spend a weekend with my roommate Aimee, away from the rest of my self-absorbed world to focus on something outside myself.

At the Orphanage Aimee and I got the opportunity to play with a group of kids who have been blessed to be taken into an orphanage that functions as a family, given a home and a bed and food, and guidance towards the Almighty God. The kids were so excited to play and interact with us and to show us some of their fun games.

I had always been passionate about orphaned and foster children but God opened my heart to care so much deeper that weekend. I saw kids that were loved beyond measure, not only by the wonderful "families" they lived in, but I saw God's love and provision for these children evident everywhere.

The idea has come up for a group of us to start an Orphanage in Ireland, one similarly based off of the one in Mexico, I suppose we will just have to wait and see what God plans to do with that. :-)

I am excited to go back as soon as possible to help out at the orphanage, I am also excited to go back and see what we can do to serve, as well as learn how it functions so that one day if God allows, we will be able to open an orphanage that is just as loving of a place as Monte de Olivos. I was blessed to have this opportunity, I cant wait to see what God is going to do next.

Psalm 127
Unless the Lord builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.
In vain you rise early,
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat--
for he grants sleep to those he loves.