The past month or so has been quite the adventure. I have realized the depth of friendships more acutely than ever, and their incredible impact on my life. I am investing in friendships now more than ever. Reaching the end of college is an extremely emotional thing, and although I haven't felt any sadness yet that this part of my life is ending, I feel an anxiety that I need to make the most of the friendships I have with the time I have left.
I am not sure where I will be in a few months, if I will be back at APU for Grad school or if I will be moving somewhere across the country for Teach for America. Honestly though, I feel like I am so excited to see where God wants me and what He has for my life.
My life has seemed extra special lately. I have been showered with friendships and a depth do them like I haven't had in a long time. I have always been close with my friends, but I never realized how intentionality really does affect and change everything for the better.
Jennifer Pecor, a beautiful ray of sunshine and my constant stability. I can always depend on her friendship to give me support and love. We have developed a close bond and a deep knowledge of each other over the last year and a half. We have traveled together, done random adventures, laughed, painted and taken dozens upon dozens of pictures. I honestly don't think my life here at APU would be what it is without her constant presence. She is the voice of reason when I feel irrational and the point of clarity in the haze of my often overactive mind. She listens and cares and desires for a depth in a friendship that is key in order to stay in each others lives long term. She jumps in the car to drive to LA in the middle of the night to take pictures with dead celebrities with me. She listens to every silly story that generally involves guys. She listens to me vent and then turns up the music loud to dance in the car with me. She goes out on little dates with me and listens to country music that we both adore. She eats a weekly breakfast with me to make sure that we get special time together. She paints for hours with me just so we can be in the same room. We have established I am her perfect man. :-) The thing I adore most about her though, has been her ability to be vulnerable and cry with me as we rehash and mend our broken hearts from our childhood friendships together. We talk for hours about the beauty of what God is doing in our lives and in the midst of that we cry in awe of His goodness and His willingness to let us be a part of it together. I am so deeply blessed to have her friendship, her support, and her love.
Kristina Medeiros, the friend that remains. She is the woman who exemplifies Christ with her life, understands the value in pursuing deep friendships and longs for more than just superficial. After a year of us being inseparable I left. I left because of my own issues and insecurities and I ran from one of the deepest friendships I have ever known. In her love, patience, and grace she welcomed me back into her life with open arms. The friendship I have with Kristina is one that I think a lot of people long for, a friend who stays in thick and thin and in spite of stupidity. She has pursued a relationship with me even in the times I pushed her away, and now it is my turn to show the love I have for her. I am so blessed to have her as a friend and someone I can so deeply understand and share my heart with. I love the lack of superficiality and the truth she speaks into my life. I know that she is one of those friends who I never want to loose, I never want to be too far from knowing her heart and her struggles or her knowing mine because when we travel in them together we are stronger because of it.
Jenny Bauer, my best friend. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. I have watched her grow from the girl in high school, to the woman of Christ that she is today. As our friendship has grown so has our silliness, randomness, laughter, and love for the Lord. She is someone who I sit with and no longer need to impress or share any back story on almost anything because we already know each others lives. We can sit silently in the midst of God's beauty together, or we can talk for hours about boys, life, and food that we don't agree on. She is the person I call with a great new story or when I am on the verge of tears because I think I may be loosing my mind. She is the person I share joy and sorrow with. She has known what its like to live with me, love me, and support me in every circumstance. She is the person I desire to jump into the car and drive three hours to visit on a whim. She is the person who gets angry with me at injustice and then laughs at me when I am beings stupid. She is the person I can get into trouble with, and most definitely the best friend who would be sitting in a jail cell next to me laughing rather than the friend trying to bail me out <3. She is one of a handful that knows what to say that will lead me back to Christ every time. She is the person who lets me know exactly what she's thinking and refuses to watch me make stupid decisions when she can prevent them. She is the person beating me over the head with common sense when I don't have the slightest bit. She is the person I call for distraction and the person who calls me for the same purpose. She has invested so much in me, and although we have been apart for the majority of the time we have known each other, our friendship has grown to an unbreakable strength and she will be my friend until the day I die.
Aimee Kennedy, my roommate, my other half, my breath of reality. She is the friend who will always say exactly what she is thinking. She will confront you even when its difficult, get mad when she knows she's right, and she will speak truth even when I don't want to hear it. She is the person I lay up for hours talking to in our oversized college beds that are pushed together because we like to "snuggle". She is the person I vent to when I get home from a crappy day and the person I jump up and down in front of when there is a boy story that just can't wait. She's the person who loved me when I wanted to curl into a ball, the friend who drove hours with me to get into our apartment early over the summer. She's the friend that even though she didn't like my ex-boyfriend, handled staying at his house for the night when she could have been somewhere else. She is the friend who dances to random songs and gets annoyed when I play the same one a thousand times over. She is the person who stays up all night with me to watch a movie and ends up distracting me with a stupid website that causes us to laugh so hard we get an hour-long ab work out. She is the person who takes millions of pictures with me, just to decorate our walls with our faces. She is the person who litters our floor with me so that we can barely see the carpet and the friend who talks about the amazing and glorious things that God is doing in both of our lives. She is the friend who holds me when I cry and the friend who laughs at me when I make retarded faces. She is the person I talk to about the pain we felt from our Dad's growing up and the psychology of why we act the way we do. She is the friend who will remain until we are old and senile and laughing about the stupid things we did in college. She is the friend who shares my friends, my hopes, and a part of my heart.
Amy Pulpaneck, my sister. I don't think words can ever really say what our relationship means to me. We can go weeks without seeing one another, months without talking, but yet somehow when we get home, we both end up in each others room talking for hours about everything under the sun. I have watched you grow from when we were little girls playing dress-up, to riding our bikes to downtown Danville, to having our first boyfriends, to youth groups, to going to the same college. I have watched you grow into the most magnificent woman of God. I have been able to be your friend, your mentor, and most importantly your sister. I have shared most vacations, holidays, birthdays, celebrations, heartbreaks, and everything in between with you. We share Tahoe, we share Arizona, we share the Bay Area, and we share a home in Heaven. You are my sister, and it doesn't matter if anyone agrees or not simply because you're not blood related. To me, you couldn't be any closer. You know my thoughts often without me ever having to say a word. You come to me when you are stressed out and need to vent about life and you realized that I am your safe haven. I won't leave. You are the sister who stays up watching movies with me and then falls asleep halfway through. You are the sister who lays in bed with me and kicks me in her sleep, snores, and then lets her alarm go off for ten minutes without ever realizing it went off in the first place. You are the sister who shares the love for country music with me and rolls down the windows as we blast our favorite songs. You are the sister who always craves for adventure and fun and never lets me stay the same. In your maturity you have become a woman who draws me nearer to God and allows me to see Christ's awesome work in both of our lives. You are the sister who blows my mind with the random blonde moments on our drive in the Bahamas. You are the sister who I love more than words will ever show.
These are the women who have remained so close to my heart. This are my closest friends and the women who I hope and pray for daily. The women who I intend to keep in my life until Christ calls me home. Thank you all for being the amazing friends that you are. Thank you for the laughter, the joy, the sorrow, and for Christ being an integral part of each of our friendships.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My Chains are Gone
"My chains are gone, I've been set free, my God, my Savior has ransomed me, and like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace!"
These are the words that ran through my mind this morning at chapel. It's been twenty-one years of experiences, hurt, joy, love, and pain that makes me who I am. Today in chapel our speaker talked about how we have all had hurtful childhood experiences that have shaped and molded us to be who we are. There is hurt inside everyone that needs to be dealt with at some point or we just continue to pass the hurt to the "third and fourth generations".
Last night, I was reading Captivating for the third time in my life. I lead a transfer girls bible study on Monday nights with an incredible group of women. This weeks chapter is called Wounded. It was all about the sins of our fathers and mothers that have caused us to put up barriers, walls, and fortresses around our feminine hearts because of the hurt inflicted on us, and the choices we've made as a result of them.
I distinctly remember the first time I read the book, I was a junior in high school, recommended to read the book by my friend Rachel. I read it and I remember how much I hated it, I refused to allow myself to acknowledge the pain and hurt I was in, I refused to see that there was truth in the book, and I refused to let my heart be open at that time to Gods whispers in which He intended to draw me near.
I wrote off the book and decided that it was stupid and not worth thinking about. So God waited.
My sophomore year of college, just four years after my first major change in my life, was the beginning of a new, exciting, and scary change. I was beginning a new chapter of my life at Azusa Pacific University and unfortunately, I was knee deep in a mud pit of depression. I carried a cloud of pain and darkness around me at all times. I didn't realize that my depression was affecting everything I did and who I was.
For about four months, God spoke to my heart the word Captivating on a daily basis; through friends, through classes, through songs...all of it pointed to this one word. At the time I knew that God was asking me to read the book again, to give it another shot and to allow my heart to be open.
After about four months of resisting, I went out and bought the book. I read it for a second time, this time weeping at each turn of the page. I related perfectly to her words, experiences, thoughts and pain. As I read about the different types of fathers and pain they caused, and the different types of mothers and the pain they caused I realized much of my own hurt and coping mechanisms.
In the midst of my darkest depression that had me paralyzed in mind, body, and soul... I read.
God spoke.
I listened.
As my tears stained the pages and the hurt was revealed, I began to feel like I was being buried alive in a hole that been dug for me as a grave from birth.
As I read through the book, God revealed to me the ways that I was hurt, and although it seemed like a grave that had been pre-dug for me, God slowly found ways to fill in my hole without needing to bury me under it. He took away, for what may have been the final time, the man I had loved since I was 15 years old. I drove home from Arizona (two years ago today) crying my eyes out hoping I wouldn't actually need to finally move on, but coming to the reality that it was time. Then God brought a new boy, he was sweet and spunky and just what I needed. His presence in my life at that time revealed Christ and the slow healing power that it would take to bridge the pain I felt.
Over the course of the last two years God has slowly changed my heart. He has brought me confidence and joy. He has allowed me to open my heart to healing and power that only comes from Christ. It was a mix of friendships, counseling, a large fight with my father, moving to school, a broken relationship, and Christ that has brought me to where I am today. As I read the chapter Wounded for the third time yesterday, I realized that two years later, I am healed of those wounds that had plagued me since I was a child.
The wounds that kept me paralyzed through high school and the early years of college.
The wounds that pushed every close friendship I had away.
I could listen to the chapel speaker this morning and read that chapter and know that I don't hurt anymore from it. The depression that threatened to bury me, Christ lifted me out of... and not only that, He filled in the hole I thought was meant for my death. I don't carry around my cloud of darkness, but rather share the light that has come from my incredible Savior! I shout for Joy at the sound of His name. I don't hurt from the pain passed down through my fathers family, I don't hurt from the pain passed down from my mothers family.
I am whole. I am new. I am free.
These are the words that ran through my mind this morning at chapel. It's been twenty-one years of experiences, hurt, joy, love, and pain that makes me who I am. Today in chapel our speaker talked about how we have all had hurtful childhood experiences that have shaped and molded us to be who we are. There is hurt inside everyone that needs to be dealt with at some point or we just continue to pass the hurt to the "third and fourth generations".
Last night, I was reading Captivating for the third time in my life. I lead a transfer girls bible study on Monday nights with an incredible group of women. This weeks chapter is called Wounded. It was all about the sins of our fathers and mothers that have caused us to put up barriers, walls, and fortresses around our feminine hearts because of the hurt inflicted on us, and the choices we've made as a result of them.
I distinctly remember the first time I read the book, I was a junior in high school, recommended to read the book by my friend Rachel. I read it and I remember how much I hated it, I refused to allow myself to acknowledge the pain and hurt I was in, I refused to see that there was truth in the book, and I refused to let my heart be open at that time to Gods whispers in which He intended to draw me near.
I wrote off the book and decided that it was stupid and not worth thinking about. So God waited.
My sophomore year of college, just four years after my first major change in my life, was the beginning of a new, exciting, and scary change. I was beginning a new chapter of my life at Azusa Pacific University and unfortunately, I was knee deep in a mud pit of depression. I carried a cloud of pain and darkness around me at all times. I didn't realize that my depression was affecting everything I did and who I was.
For about four months, God spoke to my heart the word Captivating on a daily basis; through friends, through classes, through songs...all of it pointed to this one word. At the time I knew that God was asking me to read the book again, to give it another shot and to allow my heart to be open.
After about four months of resisting, I went out and bought the book. I read it for a second time, this time weeping at each turn of the page. I related perfectly to her words, experiences, thoughts and pain. As I read about the different types of fathers and pain they caused, and the different types of mothers and the pain they caused I realized much of my own hurt and coping mechanisms.
In the midst of my darkest depression that had me paralyzed in mind, body, and soul... I read.
God spoke.
I listened.
As my tears stained the pages and the hurt was revealed, I began to feel like I was being buried alive in a hole that been dug for me as a grave from birth.
As I read through the book, God revealed to me the ways that I was hurt, and although it seemed like a grave that had been pre-dug for me, God slowly found ways to fill in my hole without needing to bury me under it. He took away, for what may have been the final time, the man I had loved since I was 15 years old. I drove home from Arizona (two years ago today) crying my eyes out hoping I wouldn't actually need to finally move on, but coming to the reality that it was time. Then God brought a new boy, he was sweet and spunky and just what I needed. His presence in my life at that time revealed Christ and the slow healing power that it would take to bridge the pain I felt.
Over the course of the last two years God has slowly changed my heart. He has brought me confidence and joy. He has allowed me to open my heart to healing and power that only comes from Christ. It was a mix of friendships, counseling, a large fight with my father, moving to school, a broken relationship, and Christ that has brought me to where I am today. As I read the chapter Wounded for the third time yesterday, I realized that two years later, I am healed of those wounds that had plagued me since I was a child.
The wounds that kept me paralyzed through high school and the early years of college.
The wounds that pushed every close friendship I had away.
I could listen to the chapel speaker this morning and read that chapter and know that I don't hurt anymore from it. The depression that threatened to bury me, Christ lifted me out of... and not only that, He filled in the hole I thought was meant for my death. I don't carry around my cloud of darkness, but rather share the light that has come from my incredible Savior! I shout for Joy at the sound of His name. I don't hurt from the pain passed down through my fathers family, I don't hurt from the pain passed down from my mothers family.
I am whole. I am new. I am free.
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