Pride

It's a bit nieve to believe that I don't struggle with Pride...I'd like to think that I have the issue of pride under control...until of course it rears its ugly head out into the light...and I can't help but pay attention to it.

My whole life I have always been the girl who wants to be "out on her own", trying so hard to prove I can do it without anyones help. I was the girl who would have been gladly emancipated at 15 while her family moved to Arizona without her, and would have been equally as glad to spend her freshman year of college in Southern California...or really rather anywhere that wasn't Danville.

God always seems to know what I struggle with and how to get me to see what I need to change.

The blessing of a best friend, is someone who loves you so much, knows you so well, has invested a great deal, and will tell you straight to your face when you are being an idiot and need to face a hard truth.

I have a struggle with Pride. Pride is the root of all other evils, and it is the one that if you don't acknowledge you have, will slowly eat you alive.

My struggle is to be able to do it on my own, and sadly enough to prove to the world that I can do it all on my own...hearing Jenny tell me tonight that my words were "I want to prove to the world" was enough to slap me into reality...and an even harder pill to swallow when she asked me why I would want the worlds approval, this girl knows me well...

I always thought I was beyond caring what people think...but in reality I struggle with it in different ways than others...I never stress about how I look, I don't freak out if I don't have the next coolest thing...but I do freak out however, how I come across in the subject of money. I hate having people think that I get it all from mommy and daddy and that I never had to work hard for what I have. Its a pride thing, its a desire to show everyone that I can do it on my own and that I have been for a long time.

I moved out of my parents house about a month ago because I wanted to prove that I could live on my own, pay my own bills and survive....I knew this without needing to move out...but who was I proving this to?

I could much better use my time to save money and walk to work since its a whopping two minutes from my parents house...but no, my pride took me to Pleasanton where I now commute 15-20 minutes per day to and from work just to 'prove' that I can do it.

(I've taken a three week break from writing this, and now I need to really get my train of thought back lol)

I don't need to prove to anyone that I can do it, the simple fact of the matter is that I can't do anything at all. I don't mean that in a self-depricating sort of way, what I mean is...well...I can't do a single thing, even taking my next breath as I write this without God. I don't have any money at all, I don't have a car, I don't even have this computer...its not mine. Nothing is. I'm realizing that today...that nothing I think I own is really mine at all. That it is all a precious gift, but it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Him. I need to look at EVERYTHING I have, even this computer, and look at it as an instrument to bring Him praise and glory.

Truth be told, I have no idea where any of this is coming from. I sit here with a million ideas swirling through my mind and all I can seem to think about is how incredibly selfish I am. I am moving home now because I want to figure out what it means to live for Jesus...but not just live for him in a "I go to church every Sunday sort of way", but in a real and honest way that may require me giving up every single comfort I have in order to truly follow him in the way that the disciples followed him in the first century.

My pride is among the many things I need to change. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have no need to 'prove' that I can pay for myself because in reality, it would never be me providing anything I have anyway. I need to stop freaking out thinking that it all hinges on me. I need to just give up my life to Him.