Coming Home

It has taken me some time to process the experience. There’s not one simple ‘reason’ why I left, but a multitude of accumulating realizations and issues that lead me back to California.

Spending time at the Grand Canyon -- Observing the
amazing beauty God created 

One of the many long stretches of road from California
to Memphis TN

When I began to apply for TFA, I did it because a friend had shown me the website, told me a little of what it was about and then extensively briefed me on the benefits of becoming a TFA Corps Member and Alumni. I looked at all the ‘luxuries’ of being a TFA corps member…part of your student loans paid back, a decent salary straight out of college, great training that almost ensured continued employment once you were an Alum of the corps, new friends in a new place, a free teaching credential, and job security for at least two years. Honestly, with the daunting thought that I would be graduating in 6 months and really had no plan other than to continue to get my credential and masters and spend a crazy amount getting them, this seemed like a much better option. The real kicker I have to say was the fact that I would have the chance to possibly be placed in Nashville Tennessee and be near all the country music and have all my dreams come true.

 

My Aunt, Mom, and I in Franklin Tennessee 

I have lived in fairytale land for the majority of my life, believing that I was going to be that fairytale princess who grows up and finds her prince, gets married, and then lives happily ever after in…Nashville. Although my dreams don’t completely line up with everyone else’s for their lives, this was my particular dream. I was about to graduate college with no real plan, certainly no marriage on the horizon, and no way of getting to my dream southern city. TFA however gave me the jumping off point for some of my problems…a credential I wouldn’t have to pay for, plenty of southern gentlemen, and hopefully Nashville, what could go wrong?

I started the application after a few days of half-hearted prayer; I basically assumed that it had to be God’s will that I go because it seemed too perfect and such a quick fix for all of my problems. Then shortly after, I learned that I would be teaching in low-income, Title 1 schools, notoriously some of the toughest schools in the country. That thought thrilled me to a certain extent, but terrified me at another. I had begun to convince myself that this furthermore had to be God’s plan because I was going to teach the “poor children” and that God wanted us to serve the poor and the children, therefore I was doing His will by signing up for this program. If I am being honest, I think initially the thoughts that ran through my mind were “this is a cool program where I can serve and be used by God” and then, “I am such a good Christian for doing this…” Already I hope you can see my lack of humility and my selfish pride starting to take over.

I finished my application and waited anxiously for word on whether or not I would receive a phone interview. I got one just about a month after my application was due, it was an hour long interview in which I felt strangely comfortable and able to talk about the program and my hopes for being admitted. Then another few weeks of anxious waiting to see if I would be asked to a final interview, to my great surprise I was asked to a final interview where I was kept for 6 hours through 4 stages of interviews to see if I would be placed in a region as a 2011 TFA Corps Member.

The night after my Final Interview I went to Kaleo, Woody Morwood spoke, and at the beginning of chapel he stated something about doing something we wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable doing, God putting us in places we don’t expect, and doing it for the Lord. Woody wasn’t speaking directly to me, and I know that within the context of his talk that night, it had absolutely nothing to do with Teach for America or moving across the country, but I felt the strongest tugging in my heart that God was calling me to TFA that night. I knew I would be moving and leaving, although I didn’t know how far or for how long. I knew I needed to go if I got in, and so I leaned over to Jenn and told her the news.

 On April 4 I was notified that I would be moving to Memphis if I accepted their offer.

My best guy friend CJ and I at Graduation

My reaction was a little out of the norm for my personality. The beginning seemed normal, I opened the e-mail in front of one of my best friends, Jenn Pecor, read that I would be a Memphis Corps member and be moving in late May…less than 2 months away. Jenn and I jumped up and down, screamed, laughed and then said “holy crap this is freaking crazy!” Shortly thereafter, my excitement and jubilation turned into utter terror as I realized that I would be moving across the country by myself, starting something completely new and the realization that this was real began to sink in. I went into shock and requested that Andrew take me to Taco King since I hadn’t eaten all day (I was too nervous for the news). When we finally reached Taco King’s parking lot, I broke down and started crying and begged for him to hold me while I shook uncontrollably and sobbed. Still to this moment, I can’t completely figure out why I had that reaction or why I was suddenly so terrified. I honestly wanted to chicken out, I wanted to say I didn’t want to go, but I still felt this strong conviction that I needed to go. 

About a day later I accepted TFA’s offer. I prayed about it and I still felt like I should go, but for some reason there was still a bit of fear lurking inside of me. When I accepted, Pride seemed to be an overarching theme. Pride in the fact that I felt I was doing what God would want me to do, and the pride of getting into such a prestigious program. But with that pride, there was also a deep feeling as if someone had made a wrong decision, I couldn’t understand how in the world I, of all people, would get into this prestigious program. I felt like someone must have accidentally checked my name, or someone was smoking crack before reading my application. I didn’t feel worthy of being accepted to something so well renowned. I felt a nagging pressure to go because it was such a “great” program, and that I would be foolish not to accept.

For the time leading up to leaving, I really tried not to think and worry about it. For someone like me who worries about every little thing, it was amazing how well I could push all thoughts of TFA out of my mind. I don’t think it started to hit me that I was actually moving to Memphis to be a teacher until I had to say goodbye to my mom and my aunt at the Nashville airport a couple days before my 22^nd birthday. I cried the entire way back to Memphis from Nashville, I listened to Christian music and started to realize what I was getting into, and also that I might not have come for the most pure reasons.

Brittany and I in Atlanta 

I have known since High School that I struggle to trust God with my money. I haven’t had a whole lot of reason to trust him, I have been given everything I could ever need, and I don’t think I fully attributed it to Him that all of it was from Him. Money for whatever reason has been a touchy subject with me, I have a few theories of why, but we don’t need to get into those. I just have always wanted to be extra careful and save, save, save. My dad always taught me to save money and have extra so that I would never be in trouble that way. Although I view that as a smart plan, I found that for me it has become a way for me to not trust that God will take care of me.

Brittany, Samaa, Liza and I the night before I left

I started my TFA Induction week in Memphis. I stayed at the University of Memphis dorms with the most amazing roommate, Samaa, and I learned all about TFA’s vision, leadership, plan, etc, etc. From the beginning, I wasn’t fully ‘on-board’ with everything they said, but I smiled and contributed, talked to people and did my silly journal entries. I had my 22^nd birthday 2 days into Induction in Memphis. Although my future roommate Brittany tried her very hardest to plan a little get-together, and get me excited, I still felt completely alone. Our little birthday dinner went well with some of my new friends surrounding me and encouraging one another. I started to feel like I was part of something.

Chloe and I relaxing in a Georgia Tech apartment

After a jam-packed week of Induction, I packed up what I had and left with Brittany and Chloe for Atlanta, GA. We talked and laughed and enjoyed each other’s company talking about what great friends we would be when we moved back to Memphis and how we were all looking forward to this ‘great’ experience. After arriving in Atlanta we unloaded our belongings at Georgia Tech’s campus and moved into our new apartments, which were 4 rooms and a little living room and kitchen to be shared. I didn’t mind my living accommodations although none of my good friends at that point were sharing the same apartment as me.

My Atlanta best friend Samaa 

I spent everyday getting up at 5:30 am and getting ready so that I could head to a quick breakfast in the cafeteria with Samaa and Joanna before getting on the wonderful school busses as I headed to Bethune Elementary. I would listen to session after session of what was expected for lesson plans, for classroom management, discipline, Big Goals, and other such TFA material. We would be at the school either in sessions or teaching our classes until 4:30pm everyday.

Joanna and I during our bike ride in the park

My 5th Grade Math Class 

I taught 5^th grade math and I will admit that was quite an experience. I had eleven 5^th graders who had all failed the state test that year and were being taught by me and 3 others in order to catch-up before they began 6^th grade. I was given 54 objectives and a diagnostic test that the students took and was told to pick which objectives were most important to teach and cover an entire objective in a mere 45 minute block. This wouldn’t have seemed to daunting if they students actually had some of the base knowledge in order to learn the objectives I was teaching. I had multiple 5^th grade students who still had no concept of division or how to even set up a division problem, let alone be able to simplify a fraction. I took to tutoring some of my kids during breakfast and lunch in order to either go over the days lesson again, prepare them for the next days lesson, or to go over remedial information so they could have a fighting chance.

Most days I wasn’t given a lunch break. I was told to eat my lunch during one of my sessions. After I would arrive back at Georgia Tech around 5pm I would either immediately go get dinner with a friend or take an hour nap to recover enough to stay awake. I spent hours every evening working on lesson plans, preparing for the following day, making copies, and doing excess TFA work such as trackers or Academic Intervention hour planning. I often wouldn’t fall into bed until between 11pm and 3am each day. I was surviving on very little sleep and hoping for a day of respite.

About 2 weeks into institute I woke up not feeling well. Found myself so stressed out that I spent the morning throwing up and trying to sleep. I received 8 phone calls in a 2-hour period from TFA staff as well as un-welcomed knocks on my apartment door telling me that I was required to go to the Urgent Care because they believed I had the flu. I can tell you right now, after years of health problems, I knew exactly what was wrong and what I needed was a day to catch up on work and sleep. I was simply stressed, but regardless, I was on contract with TFA and wonderfully informed that I could be ‘kicked-out’ if I refused to go to Urgent Care. So I dragged my exhausted self out of bed to sit in an Urgent Care waiting room for 6 hours. After being seen by the doctor, I was told that all I needed was sleep and to stop stressing out because I would have the same thing again if I didn’t. I certainly didn’t have the flu.

After yet another week, during my 5-minute ‘lunch’ break I called my dad and confessed that I may want to come home. My father in his most loving moment told me that he would be proud of me and support me no matter what my decision was. I cried in the hall of Bethune Elementary absolutely torn between what I wanted and what I needed.

I spent those weeks of institute constantly battling between my Faculty Advisor (FA) and my (CMA) Corps Member Advisor on how to structure and execute my lesson plans. They gave opposing ideas and feedback, to the point that made it nearly impossible to appease both parties. TFA wanted everything to be entirely assessment driven. There was no place for discovery learning, creativity, and life application. We were there to teach to a test. Every lesson was to be backwards planned, starting with sample state test questions, and the entire lesson was to be structured around getting my students to answer the state test question correctly. I not only found this tedious and dull, but I found it infuriating. What happened to great education for all students? What happened to giving students the ability to get to college? What happened to educational equality?

This entire governmental approach to teaching leaves no room for students to acquire the knowledge on their own, to ask questions and seek answers, to learn by trial and error so that they might actually have a fighting chance at remembering the information. I was instructed as their teacher to tell them exactly how to do every problem and then guide them through doing it on their own. Now that might not sound like a bad idea to you, but for someone who had taught before, it made me incredibly angry. I couldn’t stand that my 5^th graders who were learning about fractions were not allowed to look at a problem on the board and figure out the connections for themselves, instead I was supposed to dictate everything to them. It was all about formulas for TFA, a formula on how students should learn, on how teachers should teach, and everything else that TFA did. Although I think formulas are helpful, they can also be stifling.

My students needed to see what a fraction was in real life to understand how to do it in a math problem. My students needed to see division performed for them with something tangible to understand what it meant in symbols on a board. Unfortunately TFA does not agree with this process. I went into teaching hoping more than anything that I would impact student lives, enable them to compete at high levels for college admission, and to experience all that they desire and deserve. I went into teaching to see students lives changed for the better, because I had been involved in their lives not only academically, but also emotionally and morally. I was not allowed to do these things with TFA, and I found myself at constant opposition with why I had decided to teach.

I also found myself struggling with the time I would be spending each day working for TFA. During institute I was up and doing work roughly between 15 and 18 hours a day. I found myself contemplating the idea that I may not be able to physically handle this sort of schedule. Some people thrive off of the constant hustle and bustle of life, always wanting something to do and working an obscene amount of hours because it gives them fulfillment. I am not one of those people. I need my resting time, I need a lot of sleep, and I need to be healthy physically and emotionally in order to give any of myself to my students. I asked a few TFA staff and previous corps members what my schedule would look like in the region; I received less than honest answers along with some who outright would not answer my question.

When I finally had the courage to ask someone about the time in the region because I was concerned for my health, she stated that she roughly worked 18-hour days, 6 days a week. She would tutor in the mornings, at lunch, after school, and then go home and lesson plan and correct, and virtually had no time to herself for 2 years. This suddenly made me realize, maybe Institute wasn’t simply an isolated event, maybe this extreme schedule would be my life for the next two years. Frantically over the next two days I asked everyone I could, including emailing Memphis staff trying to find out for my own health concerns if it would really be a viable option for me to stay. The overwhelming majority explained slightly less horrific hours from the first person, but still, no less comforting. Essentially I would be working 12-18 hour days 5 or 6 days a week for the next two years. Much of this depended on your ability to time manage, as well as your placement school. I was not willing to give up my Sunday’s at church for lesson planning, and I was so greatly encouraged by someone who said I didn’t need to necessarily work on Sundays, but that’s when everyone else did so if I chose Saturday as my work day, then I likely wouldn’t have many friends. Lovely!

After all of this informational overload in the course of 5 weeks, I sat back for 3 days in my extremely sparse spare time and thought about my reasons for coming, my reasons for staying, my physical well being, and my ethical dilemmas. That’s when I started emailing friends about prayer. I received so many encouraging phone calls and emails back. An overwhelming amount of support, and found myself highly considering coming home.

As I chatted with my great friend Ally, who had been the original one to introduce me to TFA, we spoke about my decision in coming, the amazing feat it was to be accepted, and the possible choice of returning home. Ally having been my great friend for nearly 8 years had been through a different, but yet strikingly similar experience the previous year, and as I listened to her wisdom and explanation I found myself understanding my own heart and motivations a bit better.

I came to TFA wanting to make a difference in children’s lives, wanting financial stability not only in the present time but also as an Alumnus, getting the experience to live in Tennessee, and a bit out of pride.

I chose to leave TFA because I realized my humility was lost somewhere between learning about TFA and getting to Atlanta.

I chose to leave TFA because I had realized I was not willing to trust God with my finances and I wanted to take that leap of faith. I left because I didn’t agree with TFA’s teaching philosophy, and if I were going to teach, I would teach in a way that truly benefited students in the long term. I left TFA because I knew that God had used me there, given me everything I could have ever wanted and desired, and then realized what I needed was back in California.

When Jenn and Stacy and I ran out of gas, God provided in the middle of nowhere New Mexico 

One of the other important calls during my time in Atlanta was to a friend, in which I admitted that my heart really desired to be involved in ministry and that I would not really have that opportunity being in Memphis working the crazy schedule I was. I confessed that even in my pride and brokenness, my real heart was to teach children and young adults about Jesus and that I really wanted a way for God to use me in that capacity.

The drive home with two of my great friend Jenn and Stacy

I came home because I would have the ability to work in a ministry and impact students’ lives for something more than just academics. I came home because God had used me for His purpose in Memphis and Atlanta for the time I was there, to talk to others about my faith and what I believed and saw the way I lived. I felt led to come home because there was still more for me to do here, and I had to learn the hard way that sometimes when God gives you everything you could ever want on a silver platter, it doesn’t really compare to what you really need.